Listening is a skill and fortunately it’s something you can learn across life. This article, the first of four (to come) in a series about communication problems in couples, talks about what doesn’t work and why.

Why we don’t listen

One of the biggest problems in human relationships is the lack of quality communication. Problems in relationships and marriage come in many forms, depending on the communication style that each of us brings to the table, styles mainly learned through the examples that we have grown up with.

We interrupt our fellow speaker. This happens for many reasons. It can be because we also have a lot to say and are quick to share our own experience, or because what we are being told is too heavy or difficult for us to bear, or because we think we understand and are eager to appear perceptive, that we get the other, or because we ‘re afraid we’ll forget later on what we want to say, or just because we’re tired.

Some of us might not have learned to speak about our own inner world and so it’s hard to recognize our partner’s need to speak about their own. We might make comments like “ah, you’re overthinking things” or “you’re too sensitive”, or be quick to offer solutions.

Sometimes we might not have any solutions to offer, or find ourselves judging what we are being told so we simply say nothing and withdraw emotionally or just leave the conversation, change the subject, etc.

A word on solutions, empathy and connection – how to “be there”

When we talk about ourselves, we are not necessarily looking for solutions, although it might be nice to have them as a conclusion to what is being shared. What is more important first, is to share and to try to put into words what we are trying to make sense of. Putting it into words is going to help make it more tangible so it can be understood and processed. So, when your partner talks to you, the first thing they are looking for is to get a sense that you are interested, curious and understanding. This provides a space of safety and connection from which all kinds of good things can naturally emerge. More importantly though, what can emerge is that by showing up and being present in this way, you are helping them harness their own resources from which they can then find the solutions they need, if this is indeed what’s ultimately needed.

The saying goes, “don’t just give people bread. Teach them how to make it”. That way they will always be able to make it themselves instead of relying on you and being dependent on your resources instead of their own. The same applies when we are listening. Each person has the capacity to process and work through what troubles them so as to find their own solutions. What is often difficult is to access one’s own resources in order to do so. And the way for you to help them do that is to stand beside them with empathy. When you do that, you create intimacy and connection and this in turn helps the other to find their own resources, as they don’t feel alone in it anymore. So instead of offering what you think is best for them, you give them the strength to figure it out with you, alongside you. If you don’t know what to say to another person when they are talking to you about their own stuff, you can just say that. Just say, something like “you know what, I really don’t know what to tell you here and that makes me frustrated, but I hear you, I feel you and I’m here to listen to the best of my ability and to be there for you”. Though this provides no solutions, it does bring connection. Connection makes us feel safe and welcome, it calms our nervous systems and that in itself helps us process things better.

In the following short video researcher and storyteller Brene Brown does a really good job of talking about empathy and connection, explaining the difference between empathy and sympathy (to see the video you need to allow the cookies on this site).

Some examples of mistakes we make in communication with our partner

When you are listening, there comes a time for you to speak. If what you are going to say starts with the word “I” it might be a good idea to think before you speak. To consider if what you are about to say is about what you are hearing and understanding with a view to helping the other or indeed, if it’s actually just about you. If it’s the latter, then you may well be abandoning your partner and making it all about you.

Example 1: Talking across purposes vs active listening

Imagine you wake up in the morning and your partner starts recounting a dream they just had. You listen, they finish the dream and the next thing you say is, “let me tell me you about the dream I had” (which has nothing to do with your partner’s dream), and you happily expect them to now listen to you. But it doesn’t work that way. There isn’t really any connection achieved here, it’s almost as though you are talking across purposes. There is no actual meeting of the minds. When your partner talks to you about an experience they have had, they want to hear from you about how you process what you are hearing, how you make sense of it, what you feel about it, what is going on in your mind in relation to what they just shared. They want your questions, your imagination, your curiosity, and they very likely want you to help them think through what is going on for them; what the dream may have meant for them. This is what active listening is. They want to feel you are close to them and connected. If you just go on to share your own dream, then you are asking them to do what you just failed to do for them.

Example 2: A note on mobile phones

Although created to help people communicate, mobile phones have become synonymous with disconnection, disinterest and emotional abandonment. The gist of it is this: when you spend time with a friend or your partner and pull out your mobile phone and do something on it, anything that your friend isn’t actively involved in with you, you are bringing a third person into the dynamic with them (or potentially the totality of your stored contacts and social media connections). It’s no longer just the two of you, since the phone works to remind both of you that your conversation can be interrupted at any time, without any warning, and without any regard for what is taking place between you and your friend. Imagine speaking to a therapist who stops the session to answer their phone or send a personal message or email. Offensive, right? Why expect your friend to be more understanding when they are trying to spend quality time with you?

Think of how many times you have said something to someone who was on their phone, only to hear the digital “mm…” from them. The “mm…” that clearly lets you know they are not really listening, they are not there, nor interested and certainly not curious. This creates disconnection and a sense of loneliness that we have all very sadly come to just accept as part of our daily living in a world full of smart phones. Not so smart after all.

Example 3: A couple trying to connect

Christina was sitting with her partner, John, at a café. After a long time spent mostly talking about John, she began to tell him about her latest discovery concerning her relationship with her father. As soon as she started, John picked up his phone, told her, “sorry, but I’ve been writing down my thoughts lately, just a minute,” and started typing something on his phone. Christina patiently waited, giving him space and time. When he finished, three minutes later, John had already drifted into his own world and excitedly began talking to Christina about a girl he had just met. He had completely forgotten that he had interrupted her a little earlier, that Christina had something to tell him; he never asked her if she wanted to continue, and so he didn’t show her that he cared about what she had to say. As a result, Christina felt disappointed and left out, so she emotionally withdrew and was unable to join John in his excitement.

Of course, we all have the capacity to behave in these ways. But when it becomes the norm, the result is disconnection and a lack of safety in the relationship which then creates a host of cyclical relationship problems.

Image “Starry night” by Vincent van Gogh, taken from Wikimedia, Public Domain.